Cynthia Hall Clements
A guaranteed way to lower the divorce rate is to lower the number of couples getting married. If no one got married, no one would get divorced. Then the divorce rate would be zero percent. So the Texas legislature recently made it more difficult and more expensive to get married, with the stated intent to “strengthen” marriages. If you are asking, “Huh?”, stick with me, and I’ll try, if I can, to explain the legislature’s inanity on this one.
The bill, sponsored by Rep. Warren Chisum, (R-Pampa), would double the marriage license fee, unless brides and grooms-to-be (but definitely not brides and brides-to-be or grooms and grooms-to-be, since gay marriage is illegal here in generally homophobic Texas) attend a class on how to be a good spouse.
The state House voted earlier in the current session, 84 to 56, to reject the fee hike. After the state Senate approved the increase, however, the bill returned to the House where some members — only Republicans, those governmental wardens of hearth and home — reversed their previous votes and passed it. It now awaits Republican Gov. Rick Perry's consideration, and word is he’ll probably sign it. The duplicity of the
members who wink-winked — we were just too busy at session's end to realize this was the same bill we previously rejected — to hoodwink their constituents on this legislation amazes me. It was a clever strategy — relinquish, regroup, and ramrod.
But surely, they could have been more original than to use a line from Alberto Gonzales' script, "I don't recall," to defend their hypocrisy. At a minimum, these flip-floppers should have used a variation on Sen. John Kerry's stance on the Iraq war, "I was for it before I was against it," with some feeble attempt at explanation on their change of position.
The other option available was the truth — "We intentionally lied to you to shove through this legislation" — which is really a nonviable choice. Can’t have politicians start telling the truth, can we?
(Just an aside, but is it paradoxical to use trickery and deceit to pass legislation aimed at ensuring healthy marriages? Is that the first lesson these members want taught in these classes, how to effectively lie to and backstab your spouse to get your way?)
Now, most likely fewer people will bother with the hassle of getting married in the future. Emotionally reticent partners might ask, "Why bother?" Even the more committed might think the "official paper" recording a marriage not worth the effort or expense.
The de facto marriage tax, courtesy of Texas legislators, will make us citizens who shack up. Now we'll cohabitate instead of making legal commitments. Fewer marriages equals fewer opportunities for divorce –- that’s the equation the legislature thought it might solve before it passed this bill. But by meddling in marriage, making it more expensive with more obstacles, the legislature perhaps ignorantly sanctioned couples’ setting up house without getting hitched.
Philosophy beguiled the practical effects of this legislation. Instead of encouraging heterosexual couples to stay married, the law would discourage them from getting married. Of course, homosexual partners don't have the same legal rights, muchos gracias to the legislature. But at least we’re lowering the divorce rate, legislators might say, as though pre-martial or extramarital cohabitating is morally preferable to marriage. "Marriage for Dummies” — my sarcastic title for state-sponsored marriage classes — will be a quickie primer on conflict management, communication skills, and tools to a successful marriage. Does eight hours or less on a Saturday heads off a lifetime of marital misery or divorce? Not.
The cynic in me envisions nearly or newlyweds, with a Dr. Phil-want-to-be facilitating, discussing soul-searching topics such as, “The Sweetness of Silence in Marriage: When to know to keep your mouth shut.”
Maybe the pre-martial class will have mini-lectures on “How to Achieve Marital Bliss: Ignore Each Other with His and Her iPods,” or “Rock or Rap? How to find Harmony in the Home through Music.” Maybe it will address weighty issues like, “When to get matching tattoos.” Answer: When your marriage lasts longer than Britney Spears’ first one. And the last in the educational series, with certain, vote-reversing Texas legislators as role models, will be, “How to lie, cheat and steal, and not feel guilt.”
